1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
