Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
