They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
