I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
3 2 1 whiskey
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When are your genitals available?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
try to milk me bitch
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
