Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
