my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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