i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
