I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
