sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
