I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
