I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
