Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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