I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
