Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
