just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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