"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I forget how to act sober
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