I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
