I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
