new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
