is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
