hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
