I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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