Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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