I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
