i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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