i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
