I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
