So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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