Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize