If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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