Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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