I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
