there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
