Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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