I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
