I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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