omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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