i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
