if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
