Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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