I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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