Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
