He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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