I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
