Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
