you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
