this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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