if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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