well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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