you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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