a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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