I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
