the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
