fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
