Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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