My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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