Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
