that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
