Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I supernannyed him into submission
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
