I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
