Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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