um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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